When I was little I remember sitting on the family room floor for hours listening to all the grow-ups talk about spiritual things. If I made a peep I was banished to the basement. I would just sit there and trace the pattern in my grandma's carpet...over and over and over again. In church I could entertain myself with just my moms ring or the hymn book.
I'm afraid the good ol' days are gone. Ever since I came to college I have a problem paying attention during spiritual discussions. This was especially noticeable at ward prayer in the singles ward...or FHE. I'll show you what I mean.
Yes...my idea of a spiritual thought is read a verse or quote (never both) and give a 10 second testimony. But I found myself sitting through a full on talk instead.
And now I have issues with Sacrament Meeting. More now that I have a big brawny shoulder to lean against.
Almost every week I take a snoozer. The only way I can stay awake and pay attention is if I have my little book to draw in. I told you I was 8 years old.
On a more serious note...most of the time I get uncomfortable during spiritual situations. And it's not because I don't have a testimony. It's taken me a while to figure this out...I think it's because I get uncomfortable sharing something that means so much to me. It feels very personal. So when other people unveil their souls about such things I just get squirmy. Don't get me wrong I could listen to people talk about world peace, their emotional issues and other deep things, for hours. Just gospel related things make me a little on edge.
Sometimes I wonder if people act the way they do for show. I noticed in my singles ward that return sister missionaries squint their eyes when they talk about spiritual things and get on this particularly holy voice. Not all, just some. And it made my gag reflex act up a little. This all sounds horrible and I can't believe I'm admitting it. I know I'm wicked.
My solution in these times of wondering if people are fake and feeling uncomfortable in a large group of devout saints? I always have to remind myself it doesn't matter, the gospel is for me. I need to focus on me and my simple testimony (simple not small). Don't worry about the congregations just whats between Heavenly Father and my heart.
PS I apologize for sounding judgy. Honestly I wish I could be more like the people who make me fidgety...I just can't. Not right now anyway. I'm too worried about getting myself to stay awake through sacrament meeting.
2 comments:
I think so many of us have a hard time expressing those things. I loved reading this and see that part of you. I don't get that chance much now that I am so far away.
oh mel those diagrams so legit git that i thought that they were fake. i just realized that how you get on edge with gospel things is how i get about being sentimental.
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