The Oscars/MMA's 2

The time has come again for my Oscar fashion recap.  Or, the Second Annual MMA's (Melani Alberts Awards).  

"Who am I to judge fashion?" you may ask. I'll have you know that I accessorize one whole day a week.  And, although I may sometimes wear my pjs all day, usually its no more than 2 consecutive days.

First Up...Best Dressed Award: The top six, from best dressed to very best dressed.

7. Tara Lapinski.  I do enjoy the pattern and sheen of this dress.  It's like a formal version of the Vonn Trapp outfits.  And I do love the fullness at the bottom.  Also, why is a former Olympic ice skater at the Oscars? Just wondering.

Number 6: Camila Alves McConaughey.  Baby pink seems to be popular these days.  And Camila wears it very well.  I like how this dress has a side-cape-thingy.  I'm sure that's what designer Gabriela Cadena labeled it in her initial sketches of the gown.  Plus, I like how Matthew chose to match his wiffle-ball (wife).

Number 5: Glen Close.  I always like to see formal outfits worn by celebrities, that I could wear, because they are modest enough.  I could really care less how they dress, I just like to imagine what I would wear if I were famous.  Now, usually it's only the old ladies who cover up.  But, it's the classy old ladies.  And Glen is working this black number.  I think she actually added that jacket to the original design.  Maybe she was trying to cover her relief society arms or maybe she also knows, modest is hottest.

Number 4: Maria Menounos.  Another modest dress! And, hey what do ya know? It's not being worn by an oldie.  This fabric just looks heavy and rich.  Also I like her hair.

Number 3: Jenna Dewan Tatum.  I love how there isn't a visible neckline.  The crystals just sort of float.  And I do love a good ruffle.  Plus, Jenna is gorgeous...I feel like she could make a plastic Walmart sack look chic.

Number 2: Cate Blanchett.  Turns out I enjoy the sparkly dresses.  And even though Cate's dress has little dingles all over it...I love it.  And Cate has to be one of the most elegant people on the earth. 

And Number 1: Charlize Theron.  Usually she wears things with over sized bows in weird places.  But this gem is stunning.  I love the sheer fabric on the train and the nearly invisible straps.

Onto the Worst Dressed Award.  Prepare your eyes.

Starting with the least offensive:

Number 4: Sidney Poitier's Arm Candy.  I don't know her name...yes...the man's name is Sidney.  But the lady in question appears to be wearing an emergency blanket, complete with packing creases.  The good news; if a freak blizzard were to hit LA, Sidney's GF would have warm legs.

Number 3. Kellen Lutz:  I just feel like that single button in his suit jacket has taken on more than it can handle.  Maybe if Kellen was not wearing tux-leggings (teggings?) or leprechaun hair, this ensemble would look better. 

Number 2: Ireland Baldwin.  This dress looks as though it was made from some rogue doilies.  Maybe a child's Valentine's card gone wrong.  It just looks messy and haphazard.

Number 1: Or the worst of them all...Anne Hatheway: She seems to love these high necked, leg hugging numbers.  Fifty nine percent of the reason I don't like this dress might have to do with my dislike of Anne herself.  Sorrynotsorry.

Onto the next category:

People Who Tied Their Bow Ties Without Looking in a Mirror Award

Steve McQueen:

and Karen O's date:

What Is She Hiding Under There? Award

Christine Teigen: Not so bad....don't worry...it gets worse.

Veerle Baetens: Maybe she's just preggo.

Lea Drucker: But this...I see no excuse for this.  If Sidney Poitior's GF isn't staying warm in her emergency blanket, she can crawl under the tent that is Lea's dress.

Best Make-Up Award

Emma Watson:  Maybe it's just her immaculate face.  However, I feel it should be noted that Emma was runner up for the Worst Hair Award.

Worst Make-Up Award

Cristin Milioti: At least now we have definitive proof that vampires, do indeed, exist.

Best Hair Award:

Kristin Bell.  A fabulous poof.

Worst Hair Award:

Amy Adams: Her poof seems to have migrated to the eastern regions of her head.

Best Baby Bump Award

Olivia Wilde: Speaking of Olivia Wilde, I am 35% sure I saw her in the LA airport a few weeks ago...so...that's pretty cool.

Hen Boobs Award:

You may be wondering what 'hen boobs' look like.  Try to recall Lady Cluck from Robin Hood.  Hen boobs are big and perky...and yet also saggy.  They just seems to take up a large portion of the chest/stomach area.  They start big and slowly taper down. And thus ends my paragraph on boobs.

And without further ado...

Angelina Jolie:

You Wore Your Name Award

Goldie Hawn: Goldie proudly wearing gold.

Is That Dress Supposed to Look Crooked? Award

Kerry Washington:

How is that Staying Up? Award

aka

Liberal Use of Double-Sided Tape Award

Eric Warren's GF:

Give that Woman a Doughnut! Award

Kelly Ripa:

The Most Schlumpy Award

Paul Dano: He's over it.  All of it.

Ending on a high note.

The Perfect Gentleman Award

Chris Hemsworth:

and Bradley Cooper:

Until next year.