The Sappiest Post EVER!

Half a year has gone by since I first saw my little guy.  Half a year since he was placed on me and I was overwhelmed by a feeling of..."What the heck is this little alien covered in?  Get it off of me!!!"  You thought I was going to say love didn't you?  Negative friend, that emotion waited until after the little thing was cleaned up a bit.  But now I love Jack...more than I ever thought I could.

To be honest, I was scared to have a baby.  I was never too fond of the things.  At church and family gatherings when everyone was cooing over the baby, I was hiding in the corner, doing my best to look occupied so I wouldn't be forced to interact with the little slobber-bucket, or worse...be forced to say how cute it was.  Cause I thought all babies were hideous...and let's be honest, all newborns really are.

As I grew up my fear of children only intensified.  Nothing screams birth control like hearing a group of woman talk about what it's like to be a mother.  Their lives sound like a never ending replay of the first hour of any movie about children.  The hour where kids are running everywhere like tasmanian devils, smearing sticky food everywhere, barfing under the table, and flushing precious heirlooms down the toilet.  I felt like women's lives ended the instant those feral naked-mole-rats entered the world.

Fast forward a few years...and I was pregnant with Jack.  And I was about 86% sure I wasn't really going to like him very much.  But around the time I was 7 months pregnant, a change started to occur.  I had expected to feel piercing kicks inside me.  I had heard woman talk about how painful it is to have your child kicking your ribs.  But this didn't happen.  I hated being pregnant but one of the things that kept me going were Jack's little nudges.  I felt his little kicks but they weren't too hard.  They were there when I was hunched over the toilet puking or when I was curled in a little ball crying myself to sleep.  But they weren't bad...it was more like the little guy inside of me was comforting me, reminding me I wasn't alone.  I started to sense his calm little spirit and I started to love him.

 It wasn't until Jack was about 3 months old that I realized I loved him more than I had ever hoped.  He was asleep in the other room and I was thinking about how earlier that day he had been smiling at me.  He had smiled and cooed at me like we were the best of friends.  And then I started to cry, because I was scared.  Scared that I loved him so much.  Scared that I wouldn't always to be able to protect him.  Scared that someday he wouldn't be smiling and I wouldn't be able to help him.  And then I knew that having children wasn't what I thought.  It wasn't a horrible succession of days dealing with a little pest.  It was a wonderful succession of days taking care of one of the things you love most in the world.  They might frustrate you, but you couldn't imagine not having that frustration in your life.  They might keep you up at night...but you would rather hold them while they are crying than be asleep without them in your life.

Jack has been the greatest gift I've ever been given...besides his sexy dad that is.  I know there will be hard times but I know that the Lord gave me enough love for Jack to deal with these times.  I think the Lord gave me a surplus of love for Jack just for good measure...because I was so against the little thing to begin with.

I know Jack is an easy baby...another blessing to ease me into things.  I am so grateful the Lord knew me well enough to send me such a calm sweet little boy.  I'm so grateful for my wonderful life.  It is so much fuller and more meaningful than I could have imagined.  I learned that you need to pay attention to the last ten minutes of those movies...the parts where the little kids are snuggling with their parents being read a bedtime story.  Because that is what being a parent really is.  It's love, not hate.  It's concern and not anger.  That's the important part.  That's the part that really matters the most...I just hope I can remember all of this when Jack is pooping in the dishes and drinking from the toilet.